Funny positive quotes
If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back. - Chelsea Peretti
Sometimes when I close my eyes I can’t see anything. - unknown
Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are. - Will Ferrell
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. - Elbert Hubbard
If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once. - Aldo Cammarota
Well, don't expect us to be too impressed. We just saw Finnick Odair in his underwear. - unknown
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day. - A. A. Milne
Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth. - Unknown
The only time I feel light-hearted is when I'm in a plane at 33,000 feet. - Robert Rivers
Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you. - anonymous
How to make God laugh: Tell him your future plans. - Woody Allen
I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her. - Rodney Dangerfield
If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month. - Theodore Roosevelt
Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house. - Rod Stewart
When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye. - Cathy Guisewite
It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on. - unknown
If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else. - Ann Landers
Don’t be so humble – you are not that great. - Golda Meir
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. - bill gates
Being rich is having money; being wealthy is having time. - Margaret Bonnano
Don't worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet. - anonymous
When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life. - Richard Lewis
Every day is a leg day when you are running away from your problems. - unknown
There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it. - Mindy Kaling
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. - Mitch Hedberg
want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them. - Phyllis Diller
Whenever I'm about to do something, I think, 'Would an idiot do that?' And if they would, I do not do that thing. - Dwight Schrute
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? - unknown
Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia. - Charles Shulz
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. - Steven Wright
Fun quotes for the day
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. - George Carlin
The truth can be funny but it's not funny to cover up the truth. - Ryan Cooper
I'm multitasking: I can listen, ignore and forget at the same time. - Anonymous
Love is a lot like a backache: it doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there. - George Burns
In my house, I’m the boss. My wife is just the decision-maker. - Woody Allen
Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it. - Anonymous
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I. - Oscar Levant
Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this. - Anonymous
I don't care what they say about me. I just want to eat. - Pam Beesly
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours. - unknown
Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else. - Will Rogers
I’d like to live like a poor man – only with lots of money. - Pablo Picasso
A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B. - Fats Domino
You can't experience simple joys when you're living life with your hair on fire. - Emily Ley
Maybe if we tell people the brain is an app, they'll start using it. - anonymous
The bravest thing that men do is love women. - Mort Sahl
If the world were ruled by women then there would be no war… just couple of nations not talking with each other. - unknown
Never do anything out of hunger. Not even eating. - Frank Semyon
Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese. - Luis Bunuel
Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors. - Tom Snyder
Look, you didn't ask me for my opinion, but I'm old, so I'm giving it anyway. - Sophia Petrillo
A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need advice. - unknown
Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money. - Jackie Mason
My life feels like a test I didn’t study for. - unknown
Nothing in the world is ever completely wrong. Even a stopped clock is right twice a day. - Paulo Coelho
No matter how smart you are you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid. - anonymous
My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning. - Ray Romano
Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts. - Lt. Frank Drebin
Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well. - Mark Twain
I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me. - Warren Buffett
Best funny sayings
It’s so much easier to suggest solutions when you don’t know too much about the problem. - Malcolm Forbes
The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone. - Dolly Parton
Never miss a good chance to shut up. - unknown
The road to success is always under construction. - Lily Tomlin
Sometimes I want to go back in time and punch myself in the face. - unknown
Why was the turkey allowed to join the band? Because he had the drumsticks! - Hayden Fox
Never ask a starfish for directions. - anonymous
It wasn’t love at first sight. It took a full five minutes. - Lucille Ball
What happens after you die? "Lot’s of things happen after you die – they just don’t involve you." - unknown
The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse. - Anonymous
One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody's listening. - Franklin P. Jones
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. - Isaac Asimov
Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings. - unknown
My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. - Milton Berle
If you are hotter than me it means I’m cooler than you. - Pakalu Papito
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. - George Carlin
If what you've done is stupid but it works, then it really isn't that stupid at all. - David Letterman
Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love. - Albert Einstein
All my life I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of chips. - unknown
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. - Noel Coward
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. - Margaret Mead
It is not easy being a mother. If it were easy, fathers would do it. - Dorothy Zbornak
Never trust people who smile constantly. They're either selling something or not very bright. - unknown
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. - Demetri Martin
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. - Mitch Hedberg
Build on what makes you different from your competition....You need to be the red tree in the forest. - Nick Maley
An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough. - unknown
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. - Jackie Mason
