80+ Funny Quotes and Sayings for the Day

funny quotes and sayings

Funny positive quotes

If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back. - Chelsea Peretti 

Sometimes when I close my eyes I can’t see anything. - unknown

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are. - Will Ferrell

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. - Elbert Hubbard

If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once. - Aldo Cammarota

Well, don't expect us to be too impressed. We just saw Finnick Odair in his underwear. - unknown

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day. - A. A. Milne

Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth. - Unknown

The only time I feel light-hearted is when I'm in a plane at 33,000 feet. - Robert Rivers

Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you. - anonymous

funny sayings

How to make God laugh: Tell him your future plans. - Woody Allen

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her. - Rodney Dangerfield

If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month. - Theodore Roosevelt

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house. - Rod Stewart

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye. - Cathy Guisewite

It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on. - unknown

If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else. - Ann Landers

Don’t be so humble – you are not that great. - Golda Meir

I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. - bill gates

Being rich is having money; being wealthy is having time. - Margaret Bonnano

funny positive quotes

Don't worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet. - anonymous

When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life. - Richard Lewis

Every day is a leg day when you are running away from your problems. - unknown

There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it. - Mindy Kaling

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. - Mitch Hedberg

want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them. - Phyllis Diller

Whenever I'm about to do something, I think, 'Would an idiot do that?' And if they would, I do not do that thing. - Dwight Schrute

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? - unknown

Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia. - Charles Shulz

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. - Steven Wright

Fun quotes for the day

fun quotes for the day

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. - George Carlin

The truth can be funny but it's not funny to cover up the truth. - Ryan Cooper

I'm multitasking: I can listen, ignore and forget at the same time. - Anonymous

Love is a lot like a backache: it doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there. - George Burns

In my house, I’m the boss. My wife is just the decision-maker.  - Woody Allen

Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it. - Anonymous

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I. - Oscar Levant

Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this. - Anonymous

I don't care what they say about me. I just want to eat. - Pam Beesly

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours. - unknown

funny quotes for morning

Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else. - Will Rogers

I’d like to live like a poor man – only with lots of money. - Pablo Picasso

A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B. - Fats Domino

You can't experience simple joys when you're living life with your hair on fire. - Emily Ley

Maybe if we tell people the brain is an app, they'll start using it. - anonymous

The bravest thing that men do is love women. - Mort Sahl

If the world were ruled by women then there would be no war… just couple of nations not talking with each other. - unknown

Never do anything out of hunger. Not even eating. - Frank Semyon

Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese. - Luis Bunuel

Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors. - Tom Snyder

funny quotes about life

Look, you didn't ask me for my opinion, but I'm old, so I'm giving it anyway. - Sophia Petrillo

A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need advice. - unknown

Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money. - Jackie Mason

My life feels like a test I didn’t study for. - unknown

Nothing in the world is ever completely wrong. Even a stopped clock is right twice a day. - Paulo Coelho

No matter how smart you are you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid. - anonymous

My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning. - Ray Romano

Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.  - Lt. Frank Drebin

Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well. - Mark Twain

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me. - Warren Buffett

Best funny sayings

It’s so much easier to suggest solutions when you don’t know too much about the problem. - Malcolm Forbes

The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone. - Dolly Parton

Never miss a good chance to shut up. - unknown

The road to success is always under construction. - Lily Tomlin

Sometimes I want to go back in time and punch myself in the face. - unknown

Why was the turkey allowed to join the band? Because he had the drumsticks! - Hayden Fox

Never ask a starfish for directions. - anonymous

It wasn’t love at first sight. It took a full five minutes. - Lucille Ball

What happens after you die? "Lot’s of things happen after you die – they just don’t involve you." - unknown

The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse. - Anonymous

One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody's listening. - Franklin P. Jones

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. - Isaac Asimov

Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings. - unknown

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. - Milton Berle

If you are hotter than me it means I’m cooler than you. - Pakalu Papito

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. - George Carlin

If what you've done is stupid but it works, then it really isn't that stupid at all. - David Letterman 

Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love. - Albert Einstein

All my life I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of chips. - unknown

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. - Noel Coward

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. - Margaret Mead

It is not easy being a mother. If it were easy, fathers would do it. - Dorothy Zbornak

Never trust people who smile constantly. They're either selling something or not very bright. - unknown

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. - Demetri Martin

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. - Mitch Hedberg

Build on what makes you different from your competition....You need to be the red tree in the forest. - Nick Maley

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough. - unknown

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. - Jackie Mason